I recently announced that I am expecting a baby next year! It's a whirlwind of emotions and excitement because this is what I wanted; but then there are all the thoughts of "what if I'm not a good enough mom", "what if I can't handle the stress load", what if birth doesn't go as planned" etc. Overall I'm not stressing too much, which is a miracle because the idea of being pregnant used to really scare me. Ever since I was young I didn't know if I wanted to have kids...firstly because of the pain and the idea of giving birth... secondly I developed the idea that having children is harsh and selfish. Basically, I was depressed and didn't understand how it's fair to bring children into this world when all I felt inside was emptiness.
That all started to change 2 years ago when God gave me a new outlook on life. I began to see blessings over curses, peace in the midst of pain, light in darkness and a hopeful future. He started to show me value in life, that I "hadn't been living...I was just not dying". The bible makes it clear that producing life is God's plan and 100% a good thing, which started to make sense little by little. As christian's we have a hope greater than any other, though this world is fallen we experience God's goodness and the peace in knowing our future is not of this world. Pain and suffering is a part of life but that doesn't make life pointless or invaluable though it took me a while to learn, I am so glad I've reached that understanding.
Even a year ago when I was getting married I didn't have this fully figured out. I wasn't sure if I even wanted kids. The freedom and happiness God had brought to me over the last year has changed me to view life as such a beautiful gift. Being the life support for a tiny growing human is a very sweet opportunity, and the hopes that I get to raise them up to be a strong believer who has a positive outlook on life is what makes it worth it. I know that the world is heading in a bad direction and it's scary to think that I'm bringing an innocent child into who knows what catastrophes, but I know that God has everything under control and in the end, He wins the battle against evil and He watches out for those who seek Him.
With each season of my life so far the challenges have always ended in growth and a new character being molded in me. Though I still have worries in new situations, I know that in the end, I will have learned so much and become a better person. I can't wait to see who I become and what I learn through this new life experience as well as how it grows my husband and our marriage.
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