20 Year Life Recap-My Testimony

Recently, I moved to a new area and am surrounded by new people who didn't know me during all my many ups and downs. It's a weird feeling, especially considering the fact that I grew up with the same small group of people my whole life up until now. In a way it's freeing and feels like a fresh start, though I have nothing to be ashamed of as my life tells the story of God's goodness. It brings tears to my eyes over and over again as I think about how God has drastically changed me and my personality over the past few years. I'm going to document the main events of my life in the hopes to encourage or inspire others who may relate to any of the things I've faced growing up.

Elementary Age- I was pretty open and didn't care what others thought of me, I really wanted to be friends with people probably way more than they wanted to be friends with me, I recall being on the playground one time looking at a group of girls my age talking and getting along so well. I wanted so bad to be included but I often felt invisible. Their mom called them over gestured my way, then they came over and asked me to play with them but the very fact that I knew they had to be told by their parents to talk to me made me question my worth at times.

I wondered why I didn't have friends to hang out with outside of organized events and I would talk to myself a lot and play out scenarios of social interactions in my room when I was alone. I used to imagine tragedies accruing, so that people would notice and care for me, although I never truly hoped bad things would happen I lacked deep connection with people and really needed that in my life. My family moved churches during these years, for good reasons, but I got pretty lonely as I said before I had no connection with "friends" outside of events so I had to start over.

Middle School Age- My family found a really good church and people started to talk to me and invite me to things. I was so happy to have new friends but I had a lot of pre-existing insecurity that was coming to the surface which made me feel unworthy of being liked. I was much less lonely, more happy, but very awkward and shy. My insecurity got me to points where I questioned everything about myself. Was there something structurally or emotionally wrong with my body? I commonly thought to myself. I sometimes wondered if I had special disorders that weren't diagnosed or told to me based off my how different I acted. I was not the prettiest thing in middle school, we can all agree on that, and I envied many girls and dissecting them up and down wishing I had a better "this" or "that". Besides friends, I started accumulating weird anxiety habits such as "tap my toes in a certain motion five times or else something bad will happen or my day won't go good", along with many others odd habits. These little things got to be an annoyance as I would try and clear my mind and have peaceful thoughts but there was something inside me telling me I had to do it to keep me safe.

I also was super insecure about my body thinking I was fat because I knew girls who were stick skinny and thought that must be "normal" even tho I basically was too. I recall a time I refused to do a cart wheel in gym class because I was afraid someone would see my legs "jiggle" . Looking back to pictures at that time I was so super skinny and it's upsetting that I wasted my time sitting certain ways so my thighs don't spread out on the chair and look "massive".

As you can tell, at this time I was very self consumed, I dissected myself head to toe and hated most things about myself. I was baptized and believed in the whole bible, but there wasn't true connection between me and God. I knew the right thing, and wanted to do it, but if im being honest, the reality is God didn't work in or through me because the things I chose to set my mind on were things of this earth. Bringing myself up to believe I was worthless, broken, and hopeless is to deny God a place in my heart. The Bible says God has plan for us and He doesn't make mistakes... I was living as though I was exceptional because I wasn't "good enough" that it was ok to hyperfixate on myself and push God to the back because I blindly didn't take to heart the words of Jesus when I read them.

High School- In high school my insecurity turned into lots of anxiety attacks which I didn't know what they were at the time. each week when i'd be faced going to classes I couldn't figure out why I was shaking so bad and my stomach always hurt particularly when I was in public. I genuinely thought I had health problems or that I had some disease because my whole body would shake and "shiver" all the way from my legs to my inside organs, even when it wasn't cold and I was sweating at the same time.

In the mist of facing social situations in these unhealthy ways, near beginning of freshman year, I got news that my uncle had unexpectedly passed away. I was not close to him but it was very sad and confusing when he passed. Only a few months later, my grandpa from the other side of the family also passed away, I had already built up walls where I act as though I'm not emotionally affected by it to others around me because it makes it less painful, or that's what I thought it would do. Though my grandpa had many health problems, I thought I was going to have at least a few more years with him on earth.

These events didn't tear me apart, but they did make me wonder a few things, I stared viewing life as an aimless journey where people just get "killed off" by whoever God or satan chooses next. I felt that it was very odd to unexpectedly lose two people within the same year and wondered if my family was being targeted or punished. I believe that it was this train of thinking that started me spiraling on now to depression along with my anxiety which I still hardly knew what those words meant at the time.

I got a newer phone and began to spend more and more time on it. Thanks to media, I learned a bit more about mental disorders and started to put the pieces together. I also added scrolling to my hobbies in my aimless lifestyle I was living. I started to isolate myself a bit more and keep to myself and get lazy with school work. I remember many car rides where I would just think to myself about how I'm not happy but I should be. I always was thinking how life is a curse not a blessing and I wished I was never born. I decided early on that I wouldn't get married or especially ever have kids because I felt that it is selfish to bring children into this world when the whole world faces different kinds of suffering and you can't shelter them from evil. This mindset persisted for a few years with nothing much else happening...

Getting to my life's main events is bringing tears to my eyes, the events that really kicked me in the butt and pushed me over the edge. Tragically, right before school started senior year, we got a call that my older brother had got swept away in the Susquehanna and was no where to be seen. We searched for him for three days before finding his body, there would be too many words to describe the feelings that went through my body during that time... too many to say in here, maybe another time or another place.

However, recovering from that loss took a huge toll on me mentally. I began to seriously not care what I did or said to people, lost a few friends and acquainted myself with new friends who did nothing but make me worse and farther from God. Over the next few months I went from being semi-optimistic to totally not caring about myself or anyone else. I was facing anxiety and depression greater than I ever had and the intrusive thoughts kept me up most nights. I spiraled out of control when texting people and totally lost myself to where I sounded insane at times because I had no filter. I turned to anything at all that would make me feel better, taking any form of relief that I could get my hands on, though I didn't have very many options based on my bringing up thankfully. There's so much I could say to indicated that I completely lost myself but for the sake of this article I'll just say I hit rock bottom and I wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. Thoughts about dying took over and led me to places I didn't want to go and never thought I would.

After the painful process of being exposed and people trying to step in and help me when I didn't want help, I got a medication that was supposed to help with my depression. To be honest I was still spiralling out of control mentally, thought I was much more secretive about it in the fear of others finding out again. I cried less but hated people and God more and more. I resorted to trying to hurt myself in ways that nobody would find out etc.

Miraculously it was during this time that my friend invited me to a church group and for whatever reason I decided to go along even though I went once before and didn't care for it. I secretly wanted to make connections with people who could lead me to doing bad things as she mentioned that people like that go there, so truely I was seeking evil not God when I decided to go that night. I got there and stood in the back, didn't sing or anything but two people in particular caught my eye that night, as well as the message. The message was about freedom from addictions and strongholds and such, and the people I saw pouring their hearts out to God in worship in the front row of the large crowd of teens was one of the same people my friend said used to be a "stoner" which was the type person I wanted to associate with. He also happened to be a guy from my brothers volleyball team that I recognized. That all sounds a little odd but to me it hit home. I knew without a doubt that he had been freed from whatever evil he had been a part of before and that that what he expressed up front was the joy of the lord pouring out of him. I went home, poured my heart out to Jesus, laid everything at His feet and told Him I believe in His power and wanted to surrender my life whole heartedly holding nothing back.

I felt like I was in so deep that I didn't know where to start. That same night I messaged the guy I saw on instagram because I knew his name and I knew he would know who I was because of him knowing my brothers situation. I told him that God used him to show me His goodness and that I wanted whatever joy He had in Christ. He invited me to this group of worshipers in a barn and though I was terrified and anxious to go, I went and experienced genuine believers on fire for God. I continued going to lots of groups and reading the word, praying, and worshiping God every day and so on. I learned that to surrender all I had to do is trust that's Gods plan is better than my own, and I knew that any plan was better than mine so I was willing to try. Over the corse of a few weeks God healed me and cleansed me off all my intrusive thoughts, habits and behaviors. I experienced the holy spirit in my life and witnessed Him answer prayers. This all came when I realized how much I am nothing without Him and decided to give Him everything holding nothing back. I stoped taking meds at this time as well even though the doctor said I would likely relapse...little did she know that God has the ability to combat mental illness and the evil that can have a hold on a persons mind! Only a few months later, I met my now husband and am now abundantly blessed by Gods goodness and so thankful for how far He'a brought me.

I won't say I never struggle with anything anymore, the christian walk is a daily surrender and a work for God's kingdom. It's not a prosperity gospel that propels me it's the fact that there is a God who loves us and wants to give us the blessings such as joy and peace in the midst of our sorrows if we trust in Him. Our lives are not meant to be aimlessly lived resenting each day we live, nor filling ourselves with worldly entertainment, rather spent sharing the gospel with others that they too might experience the same joy and bring glory to God with their lives as well. Every word God speaks has so much more power when you are in a place to receive it. Pastors may have said that to me many times before but I never quite understood how true that is until I experienced it first hand.

No story is the same, and though this is long, there are so many more details I had to decide between sharing or keeping to myself. We are told not to share too much and it is dificult to know what is "appropriate" and what is not when I know that my story can reach others who may be dealing with similar situations. All that being said, I hope and pray that this reaches even just one heart and soul to build up God's kingdom and of anyone has any questions at all, feel free to reach out to me!

-until next time,

danae