At some point in everyone's life they have or will experience mourning the loss of a loved one. It is also likely that everyone will experience some form of grief within their lives as well. Nobody is prepared for the unexpected overload of emotions that comes with the event of losing someone, and everyone handles it differently over a duration of time frames. To be prepared in the event that you might stand face to face with a death at any given moment, it is so important to have a solid foundation in Christ ahead of time. It's never too late to run to God in a given situation, but if you are not rooted in Christ while going through grief, the enemy will see an open opportunity to prowl on the weak, helpless person that you will become. I am writing this to create awareness of the reality of agony some people have felt, and to prepare those who have not experienced it, to know how to better be there for others/be prepared themselves in the event that it happens to them.
I wrestle back and forth in my mind what to share, how to say it and what information to withold. Yes, it is a personal topic and it can be a sensitive one as well, but no amount of pretending it doesn't exist will ever benefit anyone. So here's my take on it. I've been to a number of funerals, mostly elderly relatives, and a couple unexpected deaths in younger people that hit out of nowhere, the last of which was my 18 year old brother. Up until age 16 I had experienced mourning the losses of those who had passed that I knew of. I felt sadness for their families and shed tears for a short time, it changed perspectives a little, but it didn't flip me upside down and I did not experience the stages of greif... until I turned 17, three years ago, grief and all the agony that comes with it became real to me.
The stages of grief were so real for me... the "denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance" were all things I experienced. I was not strong in my own faith at the time, nor had I ever felt a genuine connection to God. I knew the bible was true but as time went on I didn't care if I lived it out. For me, my feelings and thoughts didn't line up. I felt the gut wrenching feelings knowing he wasn't coming home, but when people asked how I was, I told them I knew God has a plan and he's in heaven so everything is "ok". I physically cried until my face swelled up night after night, but in my head I told myself everything was ok and I had "peace."
As time went on though, things started sinking in, I had anger, regret, and remorse built up in me. All the feelings of "I should have been better", "it should have been me", "why him" etc. all the questions and anger came out and I became very bitter toward myself, God and people around me. I got mad at everything, the positive people, the ones telling me to lean on God, the ones trying to move on and not expressing their feelings...I got so mad because I thought nobody cared anymore and nobody related to how I was feeling. At this time I stated letting the enemy dictate how I acted and thought. I didn't want to hear from God or anything about God. I picked my path of destruction, God didn't send me down that path, I chose it myself.
Along with anger came trying to stop feeling, I wanted the intense emotions to all go away, I wanted to feel nothing, do nothing and be numb. I tried everything in my power to make me feel better. I was acting super "mental" at this point even to friends...I lost a few. Some thought I was crazy and to be honest I was, I was really messed up in my head and honestly most of it was bc I allowed satan to rule my life instead of God. When people associated it with me losing my brother I even then knew that triggered it, but it was my decision. The blame goes to me for which path I chose, and though others may say I had reason for getting messed up, I knew deep down that had I followed God instead, I wouldn't be down this path.
I wasn't really thinking about my brother's death anymore, I was consumed in my insecurity and obsession to get out of my life. I struggled so much to do school, go to church or youth group and keep up with anything because every single night I was being atacked by the enemy telling me to give up, I'm worthless, I'll never be anybody or make it out of the deep pit I was in. I barely got sleep, had demonic dreams and at one point remember whispering out loud "satan is my god". I have no words to describe the utter evil presence that was on my life. I was sleeping in my closet, not showering or brushing my teeth for days on end, never taking care of myself, majorly depressed and binge eating. I followed down that path for several months and it led me to be suicidal and to places I never imagined I'd end up. All I'll say is self destructive behavior is 100% from the enemy every time. There was no holy spirit living in me, I told people the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that I knew id go to hell if I died, and though I felt like I was living out hell on earth, I knew hell is only worse.
Through all of those intense emotions, feeling that hate and anger, God softened my heart and met me at the most unexpected time. People tried helping me but I was even worse than before doing dumb things to harm myself. I did not want help, I was on a path to self destruction and it was almost like my goal was to get worse rather than to get better. I hated everyone who tried to help... Hopfully you get the picture, I was not looking for God, a revival or anything positive. Despite that, something led me to go to a church group with my friend one time, and let me say the sermon/people was everything I needed to hear. It was a lady telling the story of how she lost her mom... there's more to the story but the point is, I went home and released everything evil that I allowed in to God.
Moving forward I got healed from so much mental and spiritual strong holds in my life, when I tell people I had to repent of so many thoughts, they have no clue what that meant for me. I was being ruled by evil and had to give them to God one by one. I was able to see the good in a bad situation for once, I saw revival that started after losing my brother. I remember people telling me he had written notes and prayers that I and others would find this fire for God and though it took loosing him to find that, I know he is not facing loss as he is in heaven, but rather he's facing gain.
I have to say that everyone has a different experience. Some similar, some more personal, some shorter, some longer. If I can give one word of advice for dealing with grief I'd say plant yourself in God no matter how much it doesn't seem to make sense. Trust Him and he will protect you from the enemy. Satan sees death as an opportunity to attack the vulnerable and if you chose that path it will not lead you to any peace or comfort. A big mistake people make in trying to support someone dealing with loss is, they try and tell them positive things... nobody need to hear "they are in a better place", "it's meant to be", "everything happens for a reason"... they dont need you to act like nothing happened either. The best thing you can do for someone is let them know that you are there for them as someone to lean on, you might not understand what they are going through but they have your support.
I am acceptant of death now. People young, old, saved, unsaved die everyday. Though there are no flat answers about specific cases to why, I know that living and dying are a part of life. God never intended for a sinful earth to be our home. He desires all to be saved that we may live in paradise with Him one day and no longer deal with suffering. Death of a Christian is sorrow on earth and pure joy in heaven. Time on earth is short so live while you can, don't waste time trying to find your "call" from God and sit around questioning every situation. God has already called each and everyone of us to live for him here and now, not wasting time. I have found that the best healing in Christ over death is focusing on the big picture. We don't know why certain things happened but we know it's a part of God's plan and good can come from it. Emotions always last, feelings will stay forever, there is no evil in feeling intense emotion when you think of a lost loved one and the memories their life held. It's only bad if you allow it to take you down a rabbit hole into darkness and let it shut the light out. Prepare your hearts and get rooted in Christ before tragedies arise that you may be used by God rather that abused by satan!
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